So, I have a story to tell..
It is a story that at first I was hesitant to tell because of my own pain, but God has revealed to me everything and has given me peace, and instructed me it is time to share now. So, here I am to tell the story about my miscarriage, and God’s grace.
Let me start off from the beginning. Many, many months ago, I was watching YouTube videos, and one of the vlogging families I watched ended up getting pregnant, but it sadly resulted in a miscarriage. Then shortly later, they were pregnant again. And I saw this multiple times, with multiple families, and I randomly got the strongest feeling this was going to happen to me- pregnant, miscarriage, and then a pregnancy shortly after. I (of course) didn’t want to hear that, so I ignored it, and chopped it up to the enemy putting negative thoughts in my head, or me being a worry wart. (Oh how wrong I was..)
So, fast forward- I had thought that I was pregnant since early October, because my last period was the end of August (and I have long cycles), but I tested on October 16th, and it was negative. So, I was not pregnant. Then, I ovulated on October 26th. So, my body just decided it wanted to skip a cycle.
Then, on November 26th, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was super excited, but I had been spotting since before I found out I was pregnant, so I was a little nervous. But I made an appointment for Friday December 2nd at a pregnancy resource center (not an obgyn because I was thinking about changing my obgyn from my last pregnancy but hadn’t found one yet) to see what was going on in there.
Again, fast forward to Wednesday night (11/30) and I started bleeding red. I, of course, freaked out & thought the worst. I was an emotional wreck, but right before bed, I started praying, I submitted the situation to Him, and told Him I knew that He was in control of all things, including this situation, and I wasn’t, but if there was ANYTHING He could do for me in this situation would He please do it. So, I woke up the next morning, and I was still bleeding, and still freaking out, even though I submitted the situation to Him, so I scheduled an appointment at my old obgyn for later that day. So, my mom came, spoke very encouraging words, picked me up and we went.
Once I went back into the room, and my obgyn came in I started crying again and telling her my worries, and to my surprise (because we have never had a conversation like this) she spoke very Godly and encouraging words of pure truth to me, and even though it wasn’t your normal “oh, I’m sure everything is okay,” it made me feel completely better. She told me how God chooses who lives and who doesn’t, and we may not understand why, but He has a perfect plan, and we have to have faith that He knows what He is doing. And that is so true. I couldn’t question it. And it made me feel better, because I know it was truth, and it wasn’t me being coddled (which I can’t stand).
So, then I went and saw the ultrasound tech, and she gave me my ultrasound, and low and behold, there was a baby in there, and to my great surprise, he had a heart beat. When she started playing the heart beat, I literally said “is that my heart beat,” because I was certain I was miscarrying that very second. But, she said no, it was the babies, and it was 128 bpm. So, I was just shocked sitting there the rest of the time but found out I was 6 weeks and 3 days, and my baby was alive. So, she printed out a picture for me, said how she didn’t see one but it could’ve been a subchorionic hemorrhage, or just suppressed menstruation, and sent me on my way happy but confused. It definitely was awesome to know my baby was alive, but I didn’t feel “safe”, something still felt wrong (I now think it was God not letting me get too comfortable in this pregnancy so I wasn’t caught off guard when I lost it)
So, I went home, and me and my husband enjoyed the next few days together in bed watching our favorite show and relaxing (because we were both sick), and time with our unborn child. I read on that Friday that we need to take every day with out unborn babies as a blessing, and focus on that, so I did.
Then, Saturday, my husband and I went out to get Taco Bell, but since we had been eating healthier recently it upset out stomachs really bad. So, the rest of the day went on, and we kept watching out show, and then we went to bed. I was then rudely awoken at 1:30 a.m. in excruciating pain that felt like I was in the transition period of labor. IT was just contraction after contraction after contraction. So, I was in a daze, and in pain, and confused, and scared all at the same time so I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding a lot. So, I was just sitting there crying and in pain, confused as to whether I was miscarrying or maybe was going to have some serious diarrhea from the Taco Bell (TMI, sorry). But then, I ended up passing the baby, and I knew it was him, and I sat there and cried (half sadness, half I was still in pain). So, then I went and got my husband and told him what happened, and continued crying from the pain and sadness, and he held me, and then about 10 minutes later, the pain subsided, and I was just left with the sadness. And we talked about it, and then, out of no where God gave me complete and total, 100% peace. I was just fine. Of course I was still sad because I lost the child that I so wanted, but I was fine. I wasn’t crying anymore, I wasn’t broken, I was just at peace. He reminded me of what I was told months ago. He told me how He warned me, but there is a promise at the end of the heart ache. And He told me why it happened. My entire Christian life had been so easy, and this was the test of my faith. So, I understood why it happened, and that it wasn’t the end, and He gave me His peace that surpasses all understanding. So, then the next few days we told out families, and we just went on with our lives, still mourning the life we lost, but having peace at the same time. I found that when I was around people, God gave me complete strength and peace, to where you would have never known that I lost a child. And it may sound heartless like I didn’t care, but I did, and I was sad, but when you have God’s peace, you just know it. I did have the time periods that it was hard for me, namely in the morning, at night, and any time I ate (which I didn’t do much of in that time period, half from being in the Spirit, and half from grief). But, ANY time I asked God for His peace, He would give it to me immediately. Praise God, because He truly is amazing. Yes, I didn’t always ask for the peace. Sometimes, I let myself stay in the flesh and feel the pain, and become addicted to it, and feel justified feeling it, and occasionally I questioned God’s promise, but then eventually I saw how foolish I was being, and repented of my sin. But overall, I was given peace the whole time of the grieving process.
And I eventually realized that wednesday night that I prayed that if there was anything God could do, would He do it – He did it. He gave me that doctors appointment where everything was okay, He let me get momentos of my baby, like pictures of his heartbeat and him, and He gave me 2 days to be able to enjoy the blessing of having my baby while I did. To enjoy him without stressing and take everyday as a blessing, like that one lady said to do on one of those forums about pregnancy bleeding. And I praise Him for that!
Then, fast forward a couple of weeks and doctors appointments confirming my miscarriage, asking for a print out of my babies heartbeat from that Thursday appointment when I heard it, and checking my blood to make sure my hCG is going down God revealed to me something amazing. For weeks I have been asking God to reveal to me the child’s name, so I would know what to call them, and then after praying for it on Monday December 19th before bed I was awoken at 4:30 a.m. from a dream. I don’t really remember the dream except for the fact that I was arguing with some lady about my miscarriage. And then something happened to where the name was said, and then consciously in my head during my dream I said “so the baby’s name is Michael?” Then I woke up and my head was flooded with the name, “Michael, Michael, Michael,” and I knew that was God revealing to me my child’s name. And I praise Him for it! Because He didn’t have to do it, but out of His love for me, He did. So I thank You, Lord. Thank You!
So, I then told my husband, and I asked him if he wanted to pick a middle name, and he did. So, our second sons name is Michael Forest Brunner.
(And one of the coolest things about God giving him the name Michael is that it is my husband, his brother, and their father’s middle name. So, it is a family name that God gave him.)
So, if the story of my miscarriage doesn’t show the love, grace, and mercy of God in today’s day and age, I don’t know what will. I praise Him for trusting me with this testimony, and for being there for me throughout this hard time, and making it a time of rejoicing in His love. I now have a son who lives in heaven with out Heavenly Father that will one day get to meet in God’s Kingdom, and I so look forward to that day. And I am happy to know that Michael is in the best hands he could be in, and he will never have to know sadness, or pain, or anything, and I praise God for that and for the fact that he will only ever know love. And now, I just wait patiently for God to bless me with the rainbow baby that He has promised, and praise His name for all that He has done for me.
I hope this testimony will bless and encourage you to look to God no matter what your circumstances are, whether it be a miscarriage, cancer, a death in the family, a lost job, or even if you are in a good season of life!
I praise you, Lord, and thank You for the testimony you have blessed me with.
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all. Amen!